Waiting on my Barefoot Blue Jean Night

Hey tumblr. Long time no talk. I seem to only come on here to vent, but hey what’s a blog for right?

Well here it goes. It’s getting really old. Am I the only adult in this relationship? Because so far I am the only one with my crap together. All he does is call to complain. I call to tell him good news and I am so excited and he doesn’t answer. Couldn’t give two shits. Yet I am supposed to listen to you whine about things you could change if you wanted to? Uh no. Wonder what he will if I stop answering his calls… I’m tired of being his sounding board and ego boost. Fuck him. You don’t want to come see me. You don’t want to make things official. You don’t seem to give a crap so guess what? Neither do I. I am going to the club tomorrow night and I am going to have a blast without you. Eat shit.

Too many Facebook stalkers. Next time I turn to tumblr.

The guy keeps talking about how much closer he feels to the girl while he unknowingly keeps pushing her farther away. Something definitely seems to have been lost in translation.

So yesterday he comes home from work. It had been a long day. He started talking about this girl at work. He was saying how stupid she was and goes into this story about how she is seeing this guy. He was getting all worked up over the fact that they weren’t dating. He says they are having sex and spending a lot of time together but she won’t date him because he smokes pot. At this point I just bursted out laughing. I mean pot calling the kettle black much?? I was just like really? You are trying to get her to do the exact thing you won’t! I couldn’t help myself. I wish I would have said something but it just didn’t seem worth it so I blogged about it instead :P

It’s odd to see people fall apart that should be together. The best friends that let life and all of its crap get between them. I can tell you that I am not fond of it. So why is it happening to me? Maybe it is just life and what is “supposed” to happen. But I think that is a bunch of crap. If you care enough about someone you NEVER let them go. But sometimes that isn’t always a two way street.

It’s funny though. You see two people who used to be friends that are doing the same thing, or want to do the same thing. That are now doing it alone or trying to fill the hole with someone else because the best friend that they used to do it with isn’t there anymore. To me that is sad and it is something that will always hurt because if you cared enough about that person you will always think about them when you do those things, whether it is a favorite movie, late night phone calls, or simply laying up and gazing at the stars. So off I go to sit on my porch and star gaze and think. There is a lot going on and it is important to not let those things interfere with the things that matter most.

So I completly blame Carlee for getting me back on this. But her blog is amazing and you should check if out if you have time :)

http://whyidonthaveaboyfriend.tumblr.com/

anyways. Life has been pretty good. There have been points here and there where its gotten a little crazy, which is expected when you take 18 credits, have gator football season tickets, have kendo twice a week, have a cat, are part of the prevet club and work. but hey! its life. and I love it.

and on top of that I have an amazing man in my life. things go up and down but all in all I love him, and slowly he is realizing that he loves me too. It is kind of weird seeing him start to feel the way I do after 8 years. 

I am also seriously planning on going to Ireland! It makes me super excited and nervous at the same time. Excited for all of the obvious reasons. But nervous for ones that aren’t as normal. Like being away from him for that long. What will happen with school. Covering it financially. But I am going and that’s that.

This week is just crazy! I had to get up at 3:30am today to go to work because someone called in sick. Then I had to run home, shower, go to class to be sandwiched like a sardine. Literally. I could not move. Then I get to class only to find that my teacher has rescheduled ANOTHER exam. okay so last time it was a quiz, but still. now I have 3 exams in a week and 2 the same day. and all for what? the idiots that have to come all the way from the animal science building?! what the hell difference does it make if it is thursday or monday?? seriously! either way you still don’t show up on time. so what? monday is a better day to be late?? wtf. oh and then I get to international sustainablity and the idiot is lecturing again. seriously! everytime he lectures he is talking to himself. and about things that he doesn’t even know about and have no relation to the class whatsoever. last time it was pilosophy and now it was english. I mean really. I can see how they would connect if you talked about philosophies concerning the topic or books concerning it. but no. he has to go in depth about the history and so on. really?! #wasteofmylife. seriously.

oh and my grandparents were supposed to come by tomorrow right? that worked. I was going to clean when I got home and start studying before kendo. But nooo. I call at lunch to make sure they are coming and oh p.s. they are on their way now. FANTASTIC. because I didn’t have enough to do. Oh and I stopped taking birth control this month because I only have one refill left before I have to get a new perscription. good idea right? wrong apparently because I started my period a week and a half early. I have one class left and I am hoping that a metor doesn’t come down and strike me out before I can get home because I feel like that should be next. Now I know that seems dramatic but it is just one of those weeks where you have so much to do and it just keeps pileing on.

On the flip side I am getting my chance to be barn manager. My boss leaves for Morroco for two weeks in October and I get to be in charge and see how it goes. I am PSYCHED. I cannot wait. Not to mention it is an extra $50 in my pocket.

oh and I am having a gameday party this weekend. I am excited. It is going to be a blast!

Well that is enough drama for today. ;P

There comes a time in every man’s life
When he’s gonna have to make a choice
Should he keep up with the player’s life
Or listen to that inner voice…

Sometimes I wonder if I’m worth it to you and what’s running through your head. I just wish I knew. I dunno. Things are just hard lately.

I just don’t understand. I am friends again with Chantel again. I am doing what I love to do every day. And yet I feel so sad and angry. I don’t understand why. I know he and I haven’t talked in 3 days. And who knows why. But I don’t know why that should outshine everything else. Why do I give a rats ass? I wish I knew. After best friend getting in a car accident and school and finances being extremely overwhelming. It makes sense that the one thing that usually pulls me through isn’t there. Didn’t I say that good things never last? He always told me not to worry. That I was being silly because that would never happen and yet now it is and I just don’t understand why. He is going to be here in a month. You think we would be closer than ever. And yet no. I sit here wondering if he is even going to come. Pathetic? Maybe. Foolish? Probably. Everyone warned me. And yet I didn’t listen. I was like no. I’m sure he’s the one. And with everyone asking more often and with the way you’re acting. I’m just not sure anymore.

I feel like I am back to where I started last summer. And I don’t want to be here. I never thought I’d cry again. And yet I have several times the past week. I just don’t understand.

They are there. There isn’t really much you can do about it. I’m not particularly fond of the whole drug thing, but I would never hold it against someone if they did. As for alcohol, I like the taste of it, just not the whole loss of control. And as long as you use both responsibly and it doesn’t affect me in a negative way, I don’t really care.

Haha. Well, for me this is simple. I’d like to have my DVM and my own practice, somewhere I love and I am wholeheartedly happy. Hopefully with a husband and maybe even a child of my own on the way. Living within minutes of my best friend. No matter where I end up and what I am doing, I just hope that I am happy, healthy, and doing something I love. <3

To be completely honest. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. We are both busy and doing what we need to do. But I don’t know. We havent actually talked in almost what, a week now? And I don’t know what to think. He has been talking to other people. And yet I haven’t talked to him hardly at all. I may just be in another rut with everything that is going on, but if I keep letting this get to me, I don’t know how much more I can take. I knew what I was getting into when I did this, but I didn’t think it would be this hard.

I don’t know what has been going on this week. With work and school and everything else, it has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster and for once I had no one to rely on but myself. I hadn’t realized how much I had relied on anyone. But now I realize that I need to stop relying so much on other people and grow up. It’s scary. I am truly on the track of becoming what I want to be for the rest of my life. And I am having to jump major hurdles and continue to find out who I really am and what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I am going to try to stop taking things so personally and relying on others for so much. I am going to take walks on the beach by myself. And go running and riding. And do all of the things that I love to do and not wait and hope that someone will join me or ask me if I want to go. It is time to be a big girl and take that step. It’s time to be me and relize that I am the one who got me where I am today and I am the one that will get me where I want to go, wherever that may be and at whatever the cost. I need to stop doubting myself because of what other people say. It’s time to move on.